7 days, 17 hours, 43 minutes

According to the cool little countdown clock online, that's how long until I get on a plane headed for Atlanta, Georgia. Final Destination? On the 13th, I will fly to Delhi to begin 3 amazing months of loving, serving, and showing Christ to the Indian people.

I'm so excited :)

And scared.

And unsure.

And peaceful.

And every emotion in between.

That's been the story of my life for the past few weeks! Feeling different emotions, being broken and stretched, having to make myself listen to Truth instead of the lies in my head, choosing to believe His promises instead of my fears and insecurities, and spending many hours asking God to never leave me. And I KNOW He never will! The joy inside me is growing. How exciting and incredible that at the age of 21, I will get to spend 3 months completely relying on the love of my God in a completely new place. New culture, new people, new everything. I'm being taken completely out of what's comfortable and familiar to me. I should be freaking out, right? Instead, I have a peace that really goes beyond everything I can understand. Why, you may ask? Because I'm NOT alone. While everything I enter into for the next few months of my life will be new, my God is the same. He's the same One who has walked with me through every second of my life up to now, and that's not going to change. Talk about comforting! I'm so assured that no matter what situation I encounter or what I'm feeling that day, the same God who promises to be continually with me and hold my right hand (Psalm 73) will be my guide (Psalm 37). Glory to His name!

So for the next 7 days, I will be packing in a slight frenzy to meet the silly little weight requirements, enjoying my comfy bed and taking hot showers, spending some quality time with my parents, looking forward to a weekend at the beach with my family and sweet boyfriend, and letting the Lord continually prepare my heart for what's ahead. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?! I'm so thankful for the life He breathed into me this morning, and I'm so thankful for the hope I have in Christ. I want those beautiful people halfway across the world, who I will meet in a couple of weeks, to have that same hope as they wake up each day in a completely different set of circumstances.

Not because I am great. Not because I have ANYTHING of worth to offer. Only because He has loved me and been gracious to me. Only because His love for me is bigger than all my weaknesses. Only because He is great and so worthy of being praised and lifted up. I can't wait to walk with Him through this adventure :)

"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God" (Acts 20:24)

2009

this year has already been crazy and somewhat of a mess... but a GOOD mess. The kind where God ruins your life and the plans you've made, so He can make all things beautiful.

it's about to get a lot crazier. this year will probably be the craziest, wonderful, scary, amazing, fast-paced, unknown, terrifying, satisfying year of my life.

Graduation
Pine Cove
INDIA*
Grown up job

*Yes, I'm going to India...

:)

September 8-December 8. Adventures in Missions to New Delhi. I'll be working with orphanages and leper colonies in the poorest parts of this huge city, in this country BURSTING with people who are so incredibly lost.

I'm terrified beyond belief. But I'm SO FREAKIN' EXCITED. I just know that this is NOT ME. If you talked to me at all before January, this is NOT what I planned on doing. I have never felt called to India, but that's even cooler because this is obviously the Lord. Everything has worked out in His perfect time, and I'm really just sitting back and enjoying the ride.

The next 5 months will be intense preparation... raising support of $6,000, doing paperwork, getting everything finalized. But the intense parts will be the renewing of my heart and mind... the stripping away of ALL that is Rebecca. I need Him to change me before I can go. If I went to India right now, I would never survive. I would be a total and complete mess, and it would be a selfish trip. I would never survive in those conditions, and I would be a complaining, selfish, anxious pain in the butt! And that's why I'm NOT going right now. I trust that by the time September comes along, I will not be the same person. Let's face it, I'm not the same person I was last month. Let alone last year. I trust that He will continue teaching, shaping, and molding me, and that when the time comes, it WILL be beautiful and competely for His glory.

YAY for finally seeing a part of His plan. Now I'm just holding on for dear life. Let's see where this ride takes me!

perfect song

I found this song that completely sums up my life and what I'm learning right now. I go through so many seasons, and I always find a song that really describes it perfectly, and then I listen to it on repeat for weeks at a time. Here's this week's song :)

"Something Heavenly" by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

one month too long?

I have taken an unintentional almost-month-long break from blogging, pointed out to me by one of the three people who read this blog. So this update is for YOU :)

*I have discovered Pandora. My new love. Obsession. How have I lived this long without you?

*My interview with AIM (Adventures in Missions) is tomorrow morning at 10:00 am. I finally applied last week for a 3 month long trip to either India, Swaziland, or Kenya from September-December. I am not nervous in ANY way, which is a wonderful feeling. I just know that if this organization is not for me, the Lord WILL point me in the right direction. I already have two other applications ready to go for 2 other organizations! So I'm really at peace with all of this. I'm just so relieved and excited that this process has started. The only thing in my mind is the money I need to raise. Every trip I want to go on for this duration is going to cost around $5000. I KNOW money is not too big for the Lord, and that's not a reason at all to not consider going. But it is a LOT of money, and I'm not really sure how I'm going to raise it all. But I trust that if He works this out and guides me toward this, He will simply continue to blow my mind and provide in ways only He can see.



*I wrote the crappiest paper of my entire life yesterday. Why? Because I really could not care less. Senioritis is at an all-time high.

*SPRING BREAK is next week. I'm going to FLORIDA to visit Lucy! That deserves a big WHOOP:)



*I finally finished the last season of Friends :) I've been working on it since January, and I'm DONE! Obsessed. That's pretty much all I've been doing, and my poor roommates have put up with me watching it, quoting it, making jokes about it, and humming the theme song in my sleep. Thank you, beautiful roommates.

(I cried like a baby at the end. I love Ross and Rachel)

*I graduate in 66 days. I've been trying to eat at new places, try out new things, and do everything that only this town has to offer. This is one of the reasons I haven't hesitated skipping class or procrastinating... I'm only going to be a college student for 66 more days. A LOT goes with this title! I plan on living it up as much as I can :) For instance, I went to the Houston Zoo on Wednesday. Skipped class. Drove to the zoo with a friend. JUST BECAUSE. It was amazing and probably one of the best days of the semester! How often do you get to do that?!



The Lord is so good... so gracious... so faithful. I feel like I've been in a fog for the past few weeks.. just going about my days without really thinking or talking to the Lord or doing anything. But He has been so gracious to me, so loving, so kind. Even when I don't talk to Him and I just sit there, watching Friends, trying to block the rest of my life out, I KNOW He's here... and His love for me hasn't become any less. I've been learning so much about grace and the cross: the ONLY reason I have life today. That really should make every circumstance and situation in my life SO TINY and not even worth my time, because HE loved me enough to do that for me. He loved me enough to die a horrible death, and He loved me enough to conquer death and bring ME life. That's so much bigger than anything I'm feeling. That's so much bigger than what my heart is sad about. It's so much bigger than the trivial things that consume my mind and control my emotions. I just need that constant reminder, and my gracious Daddy is always faithful to provide that reminder through my friends, His Word, and pretty much everything around me.

Over the weekend, I got to sit at sweets and just READ His word for a few hours. I can't tell you how beautiful and amazing that was. So refreshing. I didn't have to be with people, mastering my social life, feeling worthwhile because of how people were making me feel. My Lord completely satisfied me with His love, and drinking coffee while reading about His love was the perfect date :) I feel like I constantly need to remind myself that He is enough. How selfish is that... SO SELFISH. Rebecca is so selfish, so unworthy, so broken. She craves attention from the world. She forgets that His love is not compared to the love of any boy. She forgets that her friends don't define her. She is so quick to be consumed by her circumstances, failures, and dreams that seem unreachable. That's why I want more of Him and less of me.

My Father knows how weak and helpless I am... that's why He sends me sweet reminders of who He is and reminds me that I can simply rest in Him throughout this life. He is SO worthy.

Revive me

I've been obsessed with Jeremy Camp this week... especially this song. It's so calming, and I've watched God revive me this week in ways I've been praying so hard for. He is so faithful.

Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, that I may seek you
Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, oh Lord

You give me understanding
According to your word
Great peace for those who seek your face
I long for salvation
My lips shall praise your name
I rejoice in the treasure of your keep

For all my ways are before you
I let your hand become my help
My soul longs and adores you
Let my cry come before you oh Lord

Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, that I may seek your word
Revive me, according to your loving kindnes
Revive me, oh Lord

I feel revived. Praise God! I'm realizing how it's a minute-by-minute, day-by-day choice to see the world through His eyes. I found myself yesterday being so focused on ME. My eyes were back on me, my feelings, my hopes, and my wants... and the second my focus was off my Savior, I started sinking. Sinking fast. Praise God for the mercy that opened up my eyes this morning to the captivating love that is incomparable. His love is SO much bigger and better than the love of ANY person! It's so much better than any pleasure this world can offer. You know why?

His love is NOT conditional. It does NOT depend on feelings, moods, circumstances, or what I do. THAT'S AMAZING! I've never met a single person with unconditional love like His. Even the most wonderful people on earth who are trying to look like Christ fail in comparison. They still fall short in loving me the way I need and loving me like only my God can! That's wonderful. Talk about a perspective change... again. I needed to hear how all else fails compared to Him.

I'm so thankful for amazing friends who can remind me of this. I don't even think they realize how much life their words bring to me....

For Him, to Him, and through Him all things are made. Glory to His name :)

i have no life...

Why am I writing on here again?

Oh yeah, because I have no life and I'm putting off doing homework for as long as I can.

I think I've moved from Facebook stalking to blog stalking. I LOVE reading about people's lives... even people who I don't know.

This week has been SUCH a breath of fresh air. I really can't contain the joy inside of me. Actually, this joy makes me want to CRY because it's such an obvious, beautiful blessing from my God. I feel like after walking through the valley for a while, I can finally see the world in COLOR again. For the first time in a while, I am finding joy in my life being totally out of my control.

It's beautiful.

My God is so good.

freedom :)

Philippians 3:7-9
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Jeremiah 10:23
I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

I find a common theme in all these verses... a theme that I am being refined through each day by God's grace. Every year of my life in college has had a theme. Sometimes it's different every semester... sometimes it takes me much longer to learn. And even when I think I've learned it well, I soon discover that I still have so much to learn. Being put through this refining process has been so hard, beautiful, exciting, scary, heartbreaking, and any other emotion you can come up with it. But at the end of the day, it has been totally worth it.

Isaiah 29:16
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"? Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"?

Jeremiah 18:3-6
So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.

I want to be the kind of clay that allows the Potter to shape and bold. I don't want to be stubborn, holding fast to what I know and what I think is best. HE is Sovereign. My life is HIS. If my life doesn't belong to me, then who am I to say, "God, why are you doing this to me? You should have left me the way I was. I was living for you; I was bringing You glory. I was doing everything I was supposed to do. WHY do you want to change me? I'm fine just the way I am." Honestly, I would be totally ignorant if that's what I said. I would be ignorant of how weak and inadequate I am without the saving grace of my King. I would be so ignorant to think I have it all together and that I'm fine the way I am. I'm not. I am NOT okay the way I am. I'm finally in the place where I WANT to be stripped of everything that is Rebecca and to be molded and shaped into something that looks more like Christ. And through it all, I'm learning this:

Philippians 1:27
Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ

No matter WHAT happens. No matter how I'm feeling. No matter what's making me sad. No matter what I'm upset about. No matter what's not going my way, I am supposed to live in a manner that is worthy of His grace. WOW. I'm not worthy of His grace... not at all. But I'm supposed to live in a way that honors His name and shows people what He did. Talk about a tall order... by myself. But my life is hidden with Christ. I've been crucified. I don't live, but Christ lives in me. THAT'S how I can live a life worthy of Christ... through Him who is at work in me.

These truths make living life so much easier. They give me purpose for waking up in the morning. And even when hurts come creeping back in my mind and when memories consume me, I just need to call His word into my mind and dwell on those things.

Philippians 3:13-14
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

not looking back

Forget the former things;
Do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
And streams in the wasteland.
(Isaiah 43:18-19)

These verses have defined the past two weeks of my life. I always knew that 2009 would hold so many changes, but I never thought those changes would start turning my life around so soon! I don't know what I would have done without my God... my gracious and loving Father holding me up and giving me hope for a new day.

I'm not the same person I was two weeks ago. I love being able to say that! That's proof that the Lord is at work in my life, not because I deserve it by any means, but because He who promised is faithful, and He who began a good work in me is carrying it onto completion. I haven't always had this outlook on things... sometimes I wondered WHY he was teaching me so much and WHY He didn't want to just leave me the same! But that sounds so silly to me right now. Why on earth would I want to be the same person? Why would I want weak, selfish, sinful, human Rebecca to keep on living in me when I could hide myself in Christ and surrender everything that is weak and impure for the One who is complete? I don't want that. I want to be renewed day by day.

It's funny now when I think back to last semester... I prayed so much that I would be able to lay down my life, my desires, my hopes, my dreams, my emotions, my pride, my everything to have Him become great in my life, taking over everything. I prayed so much that Rebecca would die and that I would die daily to myself. God is SO faithful to His promises that He did just that. He took away things in my life that I desired and that I thought were best for me and replaced them with an immense need for Him. A deep longing... a thirst that can't be quenched by anything or anyone but my Creator.

There have been times these past few weeks when I have been so helpless and broken, recognizing that the Lord is ALL I need. I don't need food. I don't need love. I don't need people. I don't need success. I don't need direction. I don't need everything the world says I need to have a happy, healthy life. I just need the Lord. And He's so good that when I finally saw my need for Him, He started healing, renewing, and satisfying me in ways I could never imagine.

Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hands have provided
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

If I can take anything away from these few weeks, it would be His command to forget the former things and to stop dwelling on the past... for me to stop thinking about what was, what could have been, what didn't happen, what hurt, what broke me, what was wonderful, what was normal, what was beautiful, what was painful, the possibilities of happiness, blah blah blah. basically everything that has ever happened. FORGET THESE THINGS, BECCA... That's what He's been telling me. I AM DOING A NEW THING! Don't you see it? I'm making a way in the desert.

Those words have brought so much healing into my life. My Daddy is making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. These times of refining and brokenness in my life are preparing for me a new, beautiful thing that He is doing and making for me. In me. through me. I'm so excited. I can't wait to see it... and while I wait, I can enjoy the presence of my loving Father. I can be assured that His hand is upon me and that my heart is safely hidden in His hands. There's no safer place. That's exactly where I want to be.